Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.