Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.