The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.