The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

Work hard, save and live within your means.