Contentment is knowing you're right

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.