I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.