I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Contentment is knowing you're right

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.