Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"