I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.