I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Contentment is knowing you're right

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'