I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.