Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

This shed does not contain me.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.