Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore, unless I bring something to read."

I don't have a problem believing in God and Jesus. But in Genesis one has to wonder about these sentences that just go on and end without finishing. The thought is unfinished. Where did Adam go? What is he doing? Hello? There has to be some pages missing.

You people are not prepared. You are well educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.

If I use the word romance, whether it's my wife or not, it does not mean sex. We can use the word sex when sex is there.

People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often.

As a comedian, I can walk out in front of 5000 people and not worry about a thing. Not a thing, believe me. But to stand up a face a camera and crew of maybe 15 guys and get up tight about it - to me that's weird.