A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

As a comedian, I can walk out in front of 5000 people and not worry about a thing. Not a thing, believe me. But to stand up a face a camera and crew of maybe 15 guys and get up tight about it - to me that's weird.

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

I think you need to make responsibility something that's not just a word.