The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

How long can you tread water?

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Anyone who has brought up children knows that consistency has absolutely nothing to do with discipline.

Racial humor was about 35% of my act when I first started. But I realized that it was a crutch. What brought it home was when another comedian said to me, 'If you changed color tomorrow, you wouldn't have any material.' He meant it as a put-down, but I took it as a challenge.