As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.

You'll have many, many friends, but if your relationship with your mate is one hundred per cent of your heart, you'll never need a friend.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.