You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.