A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

Well, I really don't know what the secret of success is but I can tell you that the secret of failure is to try to please everyone.

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!

The most important educational vehicle in all life is a parent figure.

The mother may be doing ninety percent of the disciplining, but the father still must have a full-time acceptance of all the children. He never must say, "Get these kids out of here; I'm trying to watch TV." If he ever does start saying this, he is liable to see one of his kids on the six o'clock news.