Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.

A father... knows exactly what those boys at the mall have in their depraved little minds because he once owned such a depraved little mind himself. In fact, if he thinks enough about the plans that he used to have for young girls, the father not only will support his wife in keeping their daughter home but he might even run over to the mall and have a few of those boys arrested.

I don't have a clue about the way to achievement, however the way to disappointment is attempting to please everyone.

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.