I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

Romance is a different word than sexual contact.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.