Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

'Don't worry about senility', my grandfather used to say.