I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

We parents ask dumb questions, therefore we get dumb answers.

Never say [to younger people] "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!

The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that's when they stop arguing.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.