The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, I love children because they're so honest. There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her. Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right

I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn't have to answer to innuendos.