Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!