You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Every father says the same thing: “Where's your mother?”

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.

Intellectuals are people who go to study things other people do naturally.