Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.

Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.