Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

'Don't worry about senility', my grandfather used to say.

When we look at the settling of America we see a Bible in hand and God. Every Thanksgiving has God and the peacefulness of gratitude. It was important when the Twin Towers were hit and the sorrow with them that the first thing Congress did was sing "God Bless America."

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

You know my father's favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.