You know my father's favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.

Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her. Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.