You know my father's favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.

Never forget that the devil is there 24/7 too. He's very, very busy.

One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children-unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

You can not make everybody happy.

If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. If you take them just for emergency, that's all they're gonna get.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"