You know my father's favorite game? Come here and pull my finger.

Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.

Parenting needs to come to the forefront.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

My latest blood test said my cholesterol was very high and my doctor recommended some medicine for it. I said "no" to his recommendation and he said "what are you going to do?" I said I ate my way into this and I'm going to eat my way out of it.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.