My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

It's painful, but we can't heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

The serve was invented so that the net could play.