Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

We spoke to God about the children, and we were afraid to ask God for specific things. We thought that it might be too much. So we said to God 'Please give us a healthy child' and left it at that, not knowing that God is a generous God, but also has a sense of humor. And if you leave that much open for God, some wonderful jokes are going to come about.

A father has to do everything in his power to keep a tight ship, even though he knows the crew would like to send him away in a dinghy.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.