One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.