It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."

We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special.