People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?