People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.