You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.

Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.