You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.

That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" … And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.