I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

I am available for children's parties, by the way.