Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.