I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?