Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special.