On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive.

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah... it's just not enough is it?

If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind.

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.