On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.

We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?