On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.

Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!