How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved?

All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real.

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

"Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer."

I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.