We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?