They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.