That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" … And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.