Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.