Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that's fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government's cracking down... on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah.

Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?