I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't.

That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

I was just at the newly opened Creationist Museum in Kentucky.... And they have this exhibit of a giant dinosaur...with a saddle on its back. Because the world is only 5000 years old, so man and the dinosaurs had to coexist, and, of course, we rode them. A theory I thought laughable at the age of eight when I saw it on THE FLINTSTONES!

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!