New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest States and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.

Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.