New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest States and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can't do for themselves. And that's mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism.

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.