40% of homicides go unsolved. You know, it's not a very good record. And, also, 95% of convictions in America come from plea bargaining, which is often coerced. It's like we have the worst of both worlds. We don't convict the guilty enough, and we coerce the innocent too much.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.

People who don't like you almost never come up to you. That's a lot of years of saying things that I know a lot of people in this country hate me for. And the number of times someone has come up to me and said something negative, I could count on one hand.