In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It's not essential. There are many comics who were just funny, and that's fine, too. But that's never been what I was trying to do in comedy. I was always trying to do something that involved not pandering to the audience.

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.

I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.