Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.

We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.