I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.