Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.