Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!