Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.